All That Is Wrong With Life
by jay5merlin
Summary: Set near the end of S1 where everyone goes on a road trip and trouble occurs. Random, chaotic and possibly mildly OOC, because I can't seem to write anything serious anymore.
1. Correspondence between CB and LL

Chapter 1: Correspondence between CB and LL

Message sent: 9.45am

From: Cosmic Boy

To: Lightning Lad

Subject: Matter of concern

Lightning Lad,

As field leader, I expect you have become aware of the serious dip in morale amongst many of our legionnaires. I'm sure you'll agree that this is a cause for concern, as our field of work requires us to be at the top of our game. Furthermore, I can imagine that you are just as keen as I am to avoid unnecessary tension within the group (remember the incident in WW3 when the Brizlans pulled out of the fighting). Do you have any suggestions as to how to solve this problem?

Yours, Cosmic Boy

Message sent: 11.16am

From: Lightning Lad

To: Cosmic Boy

Subject: RE: Matter of concern

CB,

Sure, I'd noticed that everyone's been kinda grouchy lately ('cept for B5 of course, whose been buried in some pointless task involving the sliding doors or something for ages.) Saturn Girl has been particularly moody which is kinda tiresome. But what do you expect, what with no super villains, evil baddies or even minor offenders having showed up for ages? Everyone's probably just depressed about the damn lack of action.

I don't really have any ideas, but you usually only ask when you already have some plan that you'll push through regardless. Might as well come out with it now.

Lightning Lad

Message sent: 11.25am

From: Cosmic Boy

To: Lightning Lad

Subject: RE: RE: Matter of concern

Lightning Lad,

Your blunt accusations are not wholly appreciated, but as a matter of fact I do have a proposition to make. It is this: a road trip. It is possible to rent vintage motor homes, and there is still an entire network of roads running along the mostly uninhabited parts of the western coast. We take all legionnaires who are currently in situ for a number of weeks along an unplanned route. How about it?

Meet me in the committee room in 12 minutes for further discussion.

Yours, Cosmic Boy

Message sent: 11.36am

From: Lightning Lad

To: Cosmic Boy

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Matter of concern

Hah! Knew it.

Right great perfect, I'll be along in just a sec.

LL

**So what do you think, loyal fans? (if I even have any of those)**

**I've just been on a road trip along the western coast and this story is probably going to be me venting all that is wrong with road trips, and travelling in general. I've already written about five or six chapters so there will be quick updating. Also, I recently read a book that consisted entirely of interviews, diary entries, email messages and newspaper articles. This won't be entirely like that, but I plan to include a good deal of diary entries, messages, conversations etc.**

**Please review!**

**Love from Jay :D**


	2. The diary of Brainiac 5

Chapter 2: Extract from the diary of Brainiac 5

Date: 9th June 3009

Temperature: 21˚ C (pleasing and correct)

Current WIP: Sliding doors installed within HQ malfunctioning, transforming at varying speeds of 3mph to 21mph, when should be at a consistent speed of 14mph. Checked pistons but does not seem to be main factor. In order to rectify problem must continue to run tests as no clear solution evident.

Other Topical Information: Came across Superman walking along corridor C2 on 1st floor at 11.41 this morning. (Question: Why do humans spend so much time sighing and looking out of windows?) He said that he had just heard Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy on the 5th floor discussing plans to take us on an 'authentic American road trip'. This is extremely inconvenient (with regards to sliding doors) and probably a very bad idea. Unfortunately Superman seemed deplorably enthusiastic.

Then Phantom Girl appeared. She looked at us, then sighed and looked out the window. "Is there anybody to fight yet?" she asked.

"If there were you would already know from the advanced warning systems-"

Superman interrupted me rather abruptly by kicking my right leg, and relayed Operation: Dire Road Trip to Phantom Girl.

Her face contorted into several unidentifiable expressions then she groaned, sat down and asked for some rope.

Superman kicked me again which appeared to mean that he wanted me to leave.

Date: 11th June 3009

Temperature: 21.5˚ C (I certainly hope this isn't an indicator to a fault with the air conditioning systems)

Current WIP: Sliding doors aside, attempting to avoid Road Trip so that continuation of sliding door repair may commence without possibility of interruption.

Other Topical Information: Lightning Lad stood up at 1.06 this afternoon and formally announced Operation: Dire Road Trip, even though everybody already knows. He told us that the road trip would boost morale, as there has been no major confrontation with evil since 27th April, and that every legionnaire is required to attend. I pointed out that I was engaged in some important work involving sliding doors, but I was ignored. Then Superman kicked me.

**Brainy is the easiest person to write without getting too OOC, because he's easiest to identify with. I write the temperature from my thermometer every morning and evening on my calendar. Please review!**

**Love Jay :D**


	3. Call to Lextl motorhome rentals

Chapter 3: Call to Lextl motor home rental services

Receptionist: Good morning, Lextl motor home rentals, how may I help you today?

Cosmic Boy: Hi, I'm looking to rent a vehicle for an indeterminable number of weeks, I-

Receptionist: Here at Lextl motor home rentals we operate with the customer in mind. We offer quality cars, trucks, vans, lorries, RVs, caravans, trailers, tents, pickups, 4x4s and mobile homes at affordable rates, and with our flexible no claims discount your satisfaction is guaranteed.

Cosmic Boy: Err… that's great. Err… I think an RV would be the most suitable. Do you have an RV to fit 8 people?

Receptionist: We rent RVs for 2 people, 4 people or 6 people.

Cosmic Boy: Not 8 people?

Receptionist: No.

Cosmic Boy: Err… well one of them doesn't really sleep, that sort of takes it down to 7…

**I'm sorry this chapter is so short and boring. I just couldn't think where else to put it. Next chapter will be very soon, please review!**

**Love Jay :D**


	4. Triplicate Girl vs the RV

Chapter 4: Triplicate Girl vs the RV

Triplicate Girl has never seen an RV before. She imagines it to be much like a mini replica of a 20th century house, constructed from fibreglass and chipboard, just like the buildings in the historic model village she visited once as a child. She can see it now, the interior done in tastefully retro pastel colours, fitted out with all the modern comforts of home-jet powered showers; plasma TV screens and computers; probably even autopilot so you don't have to actually drive the thing (she can't see how one would manoeuvre an entire home around a corner anyway).

Just imagine this construction rolling gently along a road, the curtains flapping delicately at a half open window. Or maybe even genuine Venetian blinds! Triplicate Girl wonders what colour these blinds will be, rolling through the colour palette in her mind's eye from clear blossom honey to a sensual chocolate brown. She will sit near the front of this TV, and hopefully Bouncing Boy will come and sit next to her. They will marvel at the passing scenery, feel the breeze caress their cheeks, perhaps share a secret smile. Then Bouncing Boy will probably ruin the moment by producing a bag of stale chips from under the seat.

The stark reality of the RV comes as an undesirable shock to Triplicate Girl. It is the size, shape and texture of a cargo container, rather like an oblong tin can, with the head of a lorry and the tail of… err… well it's got a ladder on the back for some extraordinary reason. The only entrance it has is the one side door, so in the event of an emergency you are well and truly stuffed, and underneath that is a metal step that requires a considerable amount of fiddling about with before it can be persuaded to slide in or out.

As Triplicate Girl enters the RV, she finds to her left a rather small fridge which has a seemingly pointless square of metal nailed to the side, looking like it's trying to imitate a trivet. To her right is a low backed scratchy seating area complete with rickety table and two oversized seatbelts. Opposite this is a three-seater leather cream-coloured sofa (also offering only two seatbelts) which she finds inordinately distasteful. Facing the fridge there sits a microwave, oven and sink, which looks an awful lot like manual labour. She opens one of the cupboards underneath the sink, only to be confronted by a wooden board with a sticker on it saying: THIS IS NOT A STORAGE COMPARTMENT. Hmm, useful.

Walking past the kitchen area she comes across the tiny bathroom, equipped with a toilet and a miniature shower that she can envisage quickly becoming an extra storage compartment. Then, at the very back, there is a double bed, which is the first sign of a bedroom (though it is to be noted that there is another twin bed above the drivers' seats). It is covered with a disgusting nylon bed spread, the colour of stale urine.

Or perhaps it is meant to be rays of sunshine, Triplicate Girl thinks, stumbling out into the fresh air. She sighs and looks back at the RV pityingly. It possesses a charming little hooded face-that is probably its best feature. Anyway, she _wants_ to like it and she's going to enjoy this trip, even if it requires the usage of amphetamines.

**Heh, it was fun to write this chapter, that's what our RV looked like. Please review!**

**Love Jay :D**


	5. The diaries of B5 and SG

Chapter 5: The diaries of Brainiac 5 and Saturn Girl

Extract from the diary of B5

Date: 15th June 3009

Temperature: 18˚ C (irregular and without scope for improvement)

Current WIP: Attempting to regulate air temperature; fixing fridge temperature, left hand hinge on food cupboard and sink faucet; trying and failing to locate mysterious wailing noise coming from engine.

Other Topical Information: This is all terribly displeasing and irregular (see above). Cosmic Boy appears to have made an error in the booking and the eight of us are at present living in an RV originally designed for six persons at the most. I am currently seated on a rather precarious fold out workspace.

At approximately 12.02pm we reached the southern border, and Lightning Lad deemed it was the appropriate moment to travel above 50mph. (Question: Why is Lightning Lad driving?) All of a sudden the engine began to emit an intense high-pitched wailing noise, and all the female legionnaires on board began to wail:

"What is that noise?"

"Why is it doing that?"

"What's going on?"

"Are you sure this is safe?"

"Lightning Lad, pull over!"

He did so, and I was obliged to get out and try to find out what the matter was, however there was no obvious cause. As I knelt in the dust, peering under the bonnet, Bouncing Boy came and stood behind me. He took a thoughtful bite out of a sandwich.

"Maybe we should call a mechanic," he said.

Lightning Lad leapt up. "A mechanic!" he cried. "If the blasted Coluan can't fix it do you think your average mechanic could?"

(Question: Should I take that as an insult?)

Extract from the diary of SG

Dear Diary,

Packing list:

1. Hairbrush/es

2. All the underwear I own in the world

3. Pink eye shadow

4. Tea bags and tinned food

5. Micro fleece blanket

Reasons to kill Garth:

1. Despite continually telling me that it was Cosmic Boy's idea, it's probably his fault that we're in this situation

2. He has really quite ridiculous orange hair

3. He's being repetitive

4. I'm annoyed and it's only natural that the target of my annoyance should be him

Reasons not to kill Garth:

1. It would ruin my mature image

2. It might upset some of the other members

3. He has got quite nice hair really

4. I must try and be positive and remember that I may like him again in the future

5. Technically it's against the law

So we are driving along in this thing, like sardines in a poorly ventilated tin, when all of a sudden it begins to sound like a cat singing down a drainpipe. Which is quite alarming really. When we'd finally convinced that idiot Lightning Lad, who is about as observant as a wooden stick, that it was necessary to pull over, Brainy got up off the floor to see what it was. Then all the men got out and stood round the engine, doing that thing that men do when they are trying to appear technically minded.

In desperation Phantom Girl, Triplicate Girl and I stumbled across an expanse of dead grass to a cluster of small buildings that we mistook for a normal neighbourhood. We came up on an old fashioned newsagents with an elderly balding man wearing an enormous pair of glasses sitting behind the counter. He was eating spaghetti and baked beans and the smell permeated throughout the entire shop.

Triplicate Girl walked over the sweet aisle and picked up a packet of peanut butter cups. "I am eating these," she said loudly, waving them theatrically above her head, "because I don't foresee caring about anything ever again after this!" I tried to ignore this and went to engage the funny old man in conversation.

"Do you do coffee?" I asked.

"Ja, ja," he said, gesturing obscurely without looking up.

I paused, unsure of what to do next. "So, er, do you do coffee?"

He lifted his head from his plate, a strand of spaghetti dribbling from the side of his mouth. "Vat? Ah, ja, ja! Also, die Kaffee is next to die sossage."

I looked across the room and saw that there was indeed a rather filthy coffee machine next to the dried salami. Phantom Girl was perched on the table beside it, swinging her legs and humming maniacally. I sighed, grimacing slightly. "What about peppermint cremes?" I asked, deciding to go down the same route as Triplicate Girl.

He completely ignored this, saying instead: "You are not from around here, are you, young Frau? Nor your excitable companions?" Here he indicated my 'excitable companions', hotly debating which crisp flavour was the most life changing. Then he stared at me long and hard, his eyes strangely swollen through the thick lenses of his glasses.

I realised suddenly that he was waiting for an answer. "Oh, no, no," I said.

"Hmm, no, I thought not." Carefully he speared a single bean onto the fork then jabbed it menacingly at me. "You must be careful, young Frau, else you may end up as diese bean here, or mebbe as a little Fisch. Yes, be careful, but try not to think too much. Frolic as your friends do, but read carefully the road signs."

I stood dumbstruck for a moment, reminding myself that I was a mature and sensible person, when Phantom Girl appeared at my left elbow.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"I haven't a clue," I said, "but I do know that there really isn't any sanity left in the world.

"Oh well," Phantom Girl responded cheerfully. She leant across the counter until her face was only inches from the old man's. "I WOULD LIKE A PACKET OF COUGH SWEETS PLEASE!" she yelled.

Feeling embarrassed and irritated I dragged both of them back to the RV.

**Yeah, fun :) Please review my dear friends and enemies and those who couldn't care less!**

**Love Jay :D**


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